There are so many questions you can ask, but the real question is:
Do you want to be married to this man or this woman forever?
This is the reality and what intellectually is the most important level of commitment in marriage.
There is a right way and a bad way to get to know someone with the goal to get married. The bad way is to keep the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask questions that the connectivity helps to determine. One of the big mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without knowing well the other person in a proper way.
A common myth is that the duration of a courtship / engagement is an accurate measurement of how two people are connectable. The logic follows that the longer you speak to someone, the better you know the person. The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent.
Many young Muslim couples are involved in “halal dating,” which basically comes down to socialize with each other in the company of friends and / or family. This includes eating out, watch a movie, play some sports or other activities, etc. Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal and supervised, or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised. When you take into consideration these limitations, ask if the critical conversations ever take place. Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences. If you or someone you know are in the “getting to know someone” is phase, the following may give an opinion in the thing where to look exactly for and avoid:
1) Do not marry anyone hoping for a changeMen often marry a woman thinking, hoping, that she never changes while a woman to marry a man thinks that she hopes she can change him. This is the wrong approach from both sides. Do not assume that you can change after you are married or that they reach their potential as a person. There is no guarantee that these changes will be good. In fact, it is often for the bad. If you cannot accept or imagine living with them as they are, do not. This may contain a number of things such as ideological or practicing differences in religion, these differences habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.
2) Elect character above chemistry While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character takes precedence. A famous quote is as follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of ”falling in love” should never be the only reason to marry someone; it is very easy to confuse love with infatuation and lust. The most important traits to look for are humility, kindness, responsibility, and satisfaction. Below is a brief analysis of each feature:
(a) Humility: A humble person never demands things from people, they just treat people justly. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to get angry, are modest and ignore materialism.
(b) Friendliness: A kind person is a pure giver. They strive to satisfy and minimize the pain of others. To know whether a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, relatives and parents. Are they grateful towards their parents for everything they have done for them? If not, then know that they will never be grateful for what you do for them. How do they treat people whom they don’t have to be nice to (e.g. waiters, work partners, employees, etc)? How they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?
(c) Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, work and character. You can rely on this person and trust what he / she says.
(d) Satisfaction: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their lives. They prefer to focus on what they have rather than what they do not have. They rarely complain.
3) Do not neglect the emotional needs of your partner Both men and women have emotional needs and to create a successful partnership, it is necessary that the mutual needs meet. The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved, the fundamental emotional need of a man to be respected and appreciated.
To show that she is loved, a woman needs to feel she is given the three A’s: Attention, Affection, and Appreciation. To show that he is loved, a man needs to feel he is given the three R’s: Respect, Rust (Reassurance), and Relief (consolation).
It is the obligation of each partner to the other to make sure that his / her partner is happy and this is also the case with intimacy. As long as each partner is providing the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes the emotional needs of his wife seriously, they will feel encouraged to play with his sexual needs. Similarly, when a woman takes the emotional needs of her husband seriously, he will feel encouraged to give her what she asks from him. Affection, love and appreciation -working together in this way encourages both giving and taking.
4) Avoid adverse life plans In a marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you grow together. You need to know what the person is like. In other words, what is their ultimate passion? Then ask yourself: “Do I respect this passion?”, “Do I respect what they want?” The more you define yourself specifically, i.e. your values, beliefs and lifestyle, the more chance you have of finding your life partner, your spouse, with the one you are most satisfied with. Remember that before you make the decision whom you are going to take on a trip with, you first have to find what your destination should be out.
5) Avoid Premarital Sexual / Physical Activity Recognize that there is a great wisdom in why Allah has commanded us to stay away from intimacy before marriage. This is to prevent major damage and to protect the most blessed part of a relationship between a husband and wife. Outside the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship is physical, it loses important issues like character, life philosophy, and connectivity of values. These are put to one side. Consistently, when everything is romanticized, it is difficult to even remember the important issues let alone to talk about it. Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.
6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Relationship There are some questions that you must answer YES to: (a) Do I respect and I admire this person? (b) Do I know what I admire and respect specifically to this person? (c) Do I trust this person? (d) Can I count on him / her? Do I trust his / her judgment? Do I trust his / her word? Can I believe what he / she says? (e) Do I feel safe? I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself? (f) Do I feel calm and at peace with this person? If the answer is, “I don’t know”, “I’m not sure”, etc, then keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you do not feel at ease right now, you will not feel at ease when you’re married. If you do not trust him / her now, this will not change when you are married!
7) Take care of your own emotional anxiety If you choose someone you cannot emotionally comfortable with feelings, it is not a good recipe for a long and loving marriage. You emotionally at ease is the basis of a strong and healthy marriage. If you do not feel secure, you cannot express your feelings and views. Learn how to identify when you are in a rough relationship. If you feel that you should always check what you say when you’re with someone and you feel that you cannot express yourself and always walking on eggshells, then it is very believable that you are in a rough relationship.
Look at the following:
(a) Dominating behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair / hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it, otherwise there are consequences to it. All these are clear indications of aggressive personalities.
(b) Anger issues: This is someone who raises his voice on a regular basis. He is angry, be angry at you, uses anger against you, uses oppression and curse words, etc. You do not have to accept this kind of treatment. Many people who tolerate this kind of behavior often come from harsh backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know, seek help immediately. Treat those things before you get married, before you even think of getting married.
8) Beware of lack of openness in your partner Many couples make the mistake of not putting on the table for discussion at the beginning of everything. Ask yourself, “What should I know to be absolutely sure that I want to marry this person?”, “What bothers me about this person?”, it is very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you’re afraid and to bring to a discussion with them. You have to have an honest discussion about it. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing forward when there is a conflict, it is a great opportunity to evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people stumble in power and blame each other, then this is an indication that they do not work well as a team. Also important is to be sensitive to each other. Ask deep questions about each other and see how your partner answers. How do they deal with it? Are they defensive? They attack? They withdraw? Hit them irritated? They blame you? They ignore it? They hide it or rationalize it do it? Listen not only to what they say, but look at how they say it!
9) Beware of avoiding personal responsibility It is very important to remember that no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake in thinking that someone else will provide them and will make their life better and that’s their reason for getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they are going to feel miserable when they are married. If you are currently not happy with yourself, you do not like yourself, and you are not satisfied with the direction that your life is currently, then it is important to take first responsibility. Work from there to improve those points in your life before you think about getting married. Do not bring these issues into your marriage, hoping that your partner will straighten them.
10) Watch out for lack of emotional health and availability in your potential partner Many people choose partners who are not emotionally healthy or available. A big problem is when a partner is unable to keep the marriage, and have three (or more) people’s emotional ties. An example is when a man overly relies on his mother and brings that relationship in his marriage; this is undoubtedly a recipe that calls for trouble. It is important to take into consideration the following points:
(a) Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside This includes people who are lacking in the capacity to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in an eternal battle with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and have a judgmental; they tend to have no close friends and trust people do not and are afraid of them. Another clear indication about them is that they always feel that their needs are not met; and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and do not. They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment towards them.
(b) Addictions This may limit the level of availability of the partner to build strong emotional bond. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They may be addicted to dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction, will, and they cannot emotionally available to an intimate relationship with you to build.
Extra points to think about:
It is a fact that no one will always look like 25 years old. Eventually, we love the person we marry for more than just their appearance. When we know we love someone and we admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and outer essence. When we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want it works out so badly that we decide to ask just the questions or to see just the things conforming to our mind. If they spoke with bad manners to the waiters, or bad to others, rude to you, we don’t stop to ask, “What does this say about their character?” Never just judge anyone from his family background, education, belief system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle”, “What are your expectations of marriage?”, “How will you help in the house?”, compare your definition with theirs. Be flexible. Be open-minded!
Giving in a happy marriage should be like jihad. It should revolve around taking satisfaction and seeing the other person as happy because of your relationship with them. Morality and spirituality are the qualities that define good relationship, along with beauty, money and wealth. The moral and spiritual person will be on your side during adversity and difficulties. If someone is not aware of Allah and do not want to serve Allah, why would you have to expect that they should be grateful being with you?
The ideal partner is someone who considers giving as a gain and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual bond will create a successful marriage. In addition, a successful marriage is one that the family values are kept clean which require a degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side. Finding commonality and balance of emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.
Source:
Compiled by several brothers and sisters, partly inspired by a presentation by Rabbi Dov Heller (not Muslim) and partly by a lecture by Shaykh Waleed Basyouni “marriage in Islam.”
words in my own world 